Crumbling of the most significant belief

In continuation to my previous post "The beginning of a whole new life".

In the past blog I shared how the symptoms started to take control of me, the symptoms were so weird that even I was not able to understand them at first, so how I could share them with someone, because I was not having words for it. At present I can talk about them at length with anyone, I understand their nature now and I can bifurcate between one symptom and the other. And like "when bad things happen to good people" then they start questioning their beliefs and values and the same happened in my case. I started to question the basic assumptions of my life and one of them was "religion", my faith in the idea of God and in particular "Hindu God and Goddesses" because I am a "Hindu" by birth and also I was a staunch believer of God, so I started questioning the God that why I am having all this shit in me and what wrong I have done to anyone. But as expected their was no reply from the idol I was worshipping and things just went from bad to worse and then worst. I was holding on to this idea that "Everything that happens to me happens for a reason and there is some hidden good that I was not able to understand at that point in time" but time passed and so with the time my eagerness to understand the reason that why why and why? then finally when things were getting out of control I told about this to my family members they took me to the general physician who took no interest in relating my condition to the psychiatry instead he said to my "grandpa" that your grandson is having some vitamins deficit and hence prescribed some vitamins to me and also because I also lost my appetite he has prescribed a syrup for the same. I prayed to the God that please let it work on me because I was craving to be "me" that I lost through those one to two months. But as l was not having the physical weakness so none of the supplements worked on me because everything that was happening to me happening because there was something inside my mind(the genes and the chemical) that was triggering the whole set of physical and mental symptoms.

When the doctor's magic doesn't seem to work then the story took turn to superstitions and my "grandmaa" came at the forefront she asked me to do certain rituals such as she gave me some mantras to chant in front of the idols of God and asked me to sit for few moment with closed eyes having a "banyan tree branch" in my hands at a quiet place. But still there was no sign of progress in my condition then my father and uncle turn the finger to me for this problem, they declared that because I hadn't studied the whole year now when the final exams are coming I am just being frightened of the consequences. I was totally fucked because nothing seemed work, so I just used to wept for hours on end with my mother as she was also not able to watch me in this helpless situation. Then the symptoms became a habit and It became my normal routine to cry and study, try to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night, not able to talk with anyone, I started to loss my weight and during that period I lost around 10-15 kg of my weight and the dark circles became part of my face as like they were always there, I was not able to face myself in the mirror and I knew no other thing then study because at that time I was a person who don't know anything outside of my book world so they were the only safe house of my life where I can find myself indulged in something. Then came my final exams and if you are in India and enrolled in the Indian education system then You know how important are your Class 12th(intermediate exams). that's all for now will continue the story in the next post.

Thank you everyone

Arpit Baliyan

see you soon...