I am no special!

I... let me allow myself to deep dive into those days which were declared "the worst" by me and I know things can become even more worse but It is my life and hence I think I have the right to decide which is worse and which is worst for me. It is something which help me declare a red line kind of thing for the stuff which happen in life, I don't know in reality which is worse and which is worst but this kind of thinking when you set a limit or mark a boundary for something, in some manner it helps you manage that thing better, me the psychological prick(Thanks to anxiety!). So, let me go straight to the time dated 17th march,2020 because on that day my exams were ended and I no longer have pressure of pushing myself from my bed to the writing hall or to face my fellow students in the school or my teachers who were thinking I am all good. I don't know how I was able to write my exams but I had written with voices in my head and heating in my back and thighs and the fear of failure in my head all the time. I... um... just having the emotional presence of that time with me but no memory of the taste or smell or anything of that time. I just sat on the 17th march to make sense of the past 4-5 months and I just went through all the emotions, and faded memories of my past and I just got broken me with the doubts in my head such as what is it, like I had mentioned earlier in my posts the speculations over it ranged from being a physical disease or a doubt or confusion in my mind or the effect of an evil eye or nothing else just an excuse for me to hide my weakness that I hadn't studied throughout the year and now when my exams are round the corner I am just making excuses and in the first instance it seems a very good explanation of my condition for others who are judging me from the other side but none of the above explanations seems to work for me because study was the least of problem for me.

So, I held myself responsible for this condition that somehow my thinking and my actions are causing this to me But I didn't able to locate what exactly in my thiking and actions which was doing it but nonetheless I just diverted my attention to something called "Subconscious mind" about which I heard on youtube and instead of accusing the God for my condition I started recording affirmations for me and writing them on paper and reading and reciting them for "n" number of times and listening to them as and when possible, started doing mirror talks, started doing physical activities like participating in the farming with my father and spending time with my family and friends with voices in my head all the time but with time the frequenc y and intensity of my symptoms started to decline and in over two months the time of suffering decreased from 24 hours to several hours a day. I thought this is the new normal for me and I have to live with it but that was not the end of it, that was the begining of a whole new life. My family just forgot everything about my condition as I was not having it all the time and I was no longer sharing it with anyone and when result came on 13th july, 2020 and I scored 96% in my intermediate board exams everyone was happy but I was wondering how I was able to do it even with the numbness in my mind all the time while writing my exams and also the narrative that all this was happening because of study disproved with my performance in the exams and also this thing became an integral part of my character and personality this proved that it was not temporary and not the sole result of pressure of my exams. And then after a moderate and sustained period of suffering for almost an year it all started to collapse again when I was...

that's all for today will connect soon...