The Final attempt

I am blogging not because I need it but because I want it! It does not matter to me if people are visiting my website or not because right now it doesn't matter, the only thing which matters for me is to pursue my passion of writing my own story into words and for me it's not better to keep this in my head but to spell it out on paper and yes this website is a kind of digital paper for me or diary where I can share the deepest of me to my conscious self and eventually somewhere in the future to a potential audience. This post is in continuation to the past one and it is the 4th post in the ongoing series of posts.

Let's catch from where I left that is when it came back and everything collapsed after a buffer cooling time period of over nine months ranging from may 2020 to jan 2021. I just remember the day when it came back to me and it all started with a thought in my head and that was "what if it returns, what would I do?" and it returned that thought used to come to my mind everyday but on that day it actually returned and I was just blank because I didn't know what to do with it now, all the questions of the past became the questions of present and again I was in that shitty loop of overwhelm-ness because all the past theories created by me seemed to fail in that moment no affirmation was able to help me in that moment of change nothing seemed to take my attention from the over-absorbing cycle of thoughts and physical symptoms. On that day, I just went to see my college " Kirori mal college" because I took admission in that college for graduation and just because of corona pandemic everything was online and that's why to get a glimpse of my college I went there and that was the first time I went to New Delhi and that too via Delhi metro, everything was for the first time but the shiny day ended with one of the worst days of my life where everything seems to fall apart. This time I didn't share about it with anyone but with my maa and grandmaa and they just said it's just your illusion there is nothing like that you are just thinking a lot and you will be okay! I waked up everyday with it in my head which was the most intimate enemy of me to kill it I need to kill myself and that I can't. I just tried very hard to live everyday and I started indulging myself in all kind of activities I could and the best one was my Ngo activities which helped me the most to keep me alive throughout that phase of eternal darkness. I just played games with children younger than me for few precious moments it used to disappear from my head but as soon as I get the feel that it is not here, it comes there. I started running for few kilometers a day and that's when my running journey started which all the way helped me manage it in the later part of my life. I just managed to survive through this second wave which was more intense than the first one and its intensity started to shatter after nearly two months because at the request of my family members I prepared for SSB interview for that I purchased a book and read it that was my first out of the academics book "The seven habits of highly effective people by stephen R. covey" and that book helped me gain an insight, that I don't know anything out of academics and there is lot to know and lot to explore as a person, to create my own character, my own personality and my own original thoughts. Then I went for the interview and luckily I was screened in and it became definite that I will be there for at least five days for further interview process.

that's all for today we will continue it later

see you soon...